mommy maverick

Your older child woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. You’re tired but you mustered up the energy to get up early and decided to do some yoga. While you reluctantly go through the motions of your yoga routine, your daily to-do list is running through your mind. You’re thinking about your schedule for the day, the week, the month. That work deadline you have is weighing on you. And that’s when you hear your younger child call your name – up an hour earlier than usual. That feeling of defeat sets in – you know, the one where you sighhh and just feel yourself deflate. The thoughts and emotions start flowing – “can’t I just get a few minutes to myself?!”, “why do I even bother trying to do anything for myself?”, “why is my child getting up so early?!”. You find yourself thinking back to the time before you had kids, how things were just so easy then. You go into your child’s room, frustrated. You try to get them to go back to sleep but they refuse. Your frustration continues to grow. You pick up your child, they wrap their sweet little arms around you and…BAM. Mom guilt.

Regardless of where you are in your motherhood journey, we all experience moments of mom guilt each day. I didn’t even know mom guilt existed until I had my first child. I experienced mom guilt intensely when I returned to work after maternity leave. I will never forget my first day back at work – I dropped my daughter off at my mother-in-law’s house, and as I kissed her goodbye she had a confused and upset look on her face that read “where is mommy going?”, “why is mommy leaving me?”. I watched her wave her little hand at me as I pulled out of the driveway. I couldn’t help but think about all the special moments I would miss while I was at work. The days of full one-on-one time with her were over. It brought me to tears (and it still does even writing about it now). The “I’m a horrible mother” thought followed me around my first few weeks at work. What kind of mother chooses work over their child? It was unbearable at times. Mom guilt hit me differently when I returned to work after having my second child. I COULDN’T WAIT to go back to work. Work seemed like a vacation from the two-kid life. I felt guilty for wanting a break from motherhood. Can’t win.

Mom guilt rears its ugly head in many ways. We feel mom guilt when we leave for work, when we get frustrated with our kids, when we can’t get our child to stop crying, when we don’t handle a situation with our kids in the best way we could have, when we make a mistake, when we fail to keep a promise we made, when we think back to our life before kids, when we’re less than perfect, when we’re late for soccer practice, when we forget the school project, when we miss the school concert because of work, and when we decide to make time or do things for ourselves.

Mom guilt is complex and heavy. But truth is, it’s totally normal and it doesn’t have to consume you. To let go of mom guilt, you have to start by forgiving yourself. You don’t have to be the best mother in the world. You just have to be good enough to make your kids feel loved, happy, and safe. Stop comparing yourself to other moms. The only person you need to measure against is yourself. It may sound cliché, but positive self-talk goes a long way. Rather than be your own biggest critic, be your own biggest fan. Beating yourself up for major and minor shortcomings is counterproductive. Instead, identify the areas in your life that prompt the guilt: reflect on them, analyze them, and think about ways you can make changes in those areas to alleviate the guilt. Next, it’s important to stay true to your values and priorities. Our guilt is most often associated with the areas in our life that are of most value to us. Understanding what is important to you will prompt you to spend more time on what you value. Lastly, ask for help. Sure, you’re superwoman, but every good superhero has a side kick.

The reality is that mom guilt will always be lurking around, but if you can recognize when it’s happening, accept it, and work through it, you can ultimately let it go. One day at a time, mommas.

Your Coach,

Kristyn